Ramblings

Life and I have not been getting along for a while now. I guess that's part of why I stopped posting. I was also feeling like the only people reading my blog were Staci and Heather and I had to have been boring them to tears. I realize now that my blog isn't about that and it doesn't matter who reads it. My blog is for me. I need to find myself again. I lost Kara somewhere.

I'm sitting here on Resulka's bed with a Kairi snuggled up against my lap. She never used to be such a snuggler. She wants more and more to be near me, touching me, but she gets frustrated that I can't stay in one position that long and every little shift upsets her. Then I wonder why I worry about that, she'll get over it and settle down again after a while, right? but I do.

I was looking over my blog and thinking how superficial it all was. For the most part, I was just posting the 'happenings'. I wasn't sharing my thoughts or feelings so much. Just the surface 'junk'. I haven't been creative in my words or in expressing myself. I have censored what I post because of who I thought might be reading. I don't want to bother with that anymore. I guess I got tired of it.

Depression. Over my camera... Resulka had gotten me a GLORIOUS camera for Christmas the year before last. It was the best thing I'd ever had. It was my favorite, my prized possession. I took lots and lots of pictures all the time. I am now amazed that I didn't want to post about it, brag about it, talk about it, show off these intense pictures, etc. Now, it's kind of late in the game for that. I probably won't share them, being that I'm depressed about the whole thing. I was visiting friends I'd never visited before and was really frazzled from driving a long way, on roads I didn't really know, meeting people I didn't really know and had my hands full walking up to their apartment. I was going to go back to the car to get my camera off the front seat. I was dumb, didn't, forgot, I don't know. I was so overwhelmed. I fell asleep there and when I was leaving the next morning, woe to me. I had an awesome surprise. My car had been broken into and my camera stolen, in its case with two lenses, charging things, massive memory card, cleaner supplies, filter, etc. etc. The only thing that was not stolen from the huge kit I had been gifted with was the USB cable, which had been left with the computer, at home. My iPhone cable that I use to play my iPod music on my car stereo was also stolen - not as big of a deal, but still. I have never felt so violated in my life.

That happened in October. I have no back-up camera. I have had endless moments where I would think 'omigosh I need a picture of this' and then remember.. and get insanely depressed. So I have no pictures to post. But I do have lots and lots of thoughts and feelings racing around inside of me.

I have remembered what it's like to be in love. I have had my hopes and dreams dashed apart. I have felt comfort in being surrounded by loved ones. I have felt completely and utterly alone. I have lost a soul dear to my heart. I have been crazed. I have been stupid. I have been destructive. I have hated.

Last week I was able to spend some time with my mom, sister, and sister's family at Disneyland. I never thought anything like that could even be possible, but somehow it was. I got to snuggle my baby nephew a lot. He fell asleep in my arms and I was soooo content to just sit there and watch his little face and touch his tiny fingers. The next two youngsters loved to have Aunt Kara around, too, and wanted to be cuddled and played with and to sit near. I treasure those moments. I hardly noticed the insane crowds that normally would have put me on edge, being so caught up in their wonder and delight.

Sitting in this bedroom is strange and comforting at the same time. There are familiar things, but mostly it is completely different. All of the furniture is new. It doesn't smell the same. I don't feel like I belong here anymore. I don't feel welcome. There is pain where I look. California is supposed to be my happy sunshiny place, but, whether it's the changes and the long time away or the fact that the sun doesn't want to come out much, I'm feeling pretty sad and confused. I hurt. I cry. I cry a lot. I can't remember the last time I cried so much or so openly. I feel like I have changed in many, many ways. I am not so sure I like the ways I have changed. I did what I thought was wanted of me and it appears to have been a grave mistake.

Resulka has been in 'limbo'. Despite my urges to continue doing things as he normally would without me here, he doesn't. I can almost feel the resentment radiating from him at times, even though it is his choice. He hasn't been writing. He hasn't been going for runs, he hasn't been doing his 'normal' things. I have tried to stay out of his way and he grumps at me for not wanting to do things with him. I have tried asking him to do things with me, he grumps at me for taking up his time. I don't know what else to do. He mentions the fact that he'll just go back to 'normal' after I'm gone. That really bothers me.

Uprooted. No place to call home. Unwanted. Unloved. No place to crawl to when down. No place that is 'mine'. No one to turn to. I'm a bad friend. I'm a bad daughter. I'm a bad wife. I'm a bad parent (am I bad because I don't want to be a parent or just bad because I suck at it?). I'm a bad person. I don't blame anyone for not wanting me. Doesn't mean it hurts any less. Why can't I give up?

At least Kairi wants me.