*Except that it appears to be broken right now.. I'll try to fix it*
Saturday, May 15, 2010
Journey
I'm on a journey.
Yep.
I was feeling incredibly inspired the night before last.. glad I jotted a few notes down, because now.. I'm not.
I'll get back to this later.
Yep.
I was feeling incredibly inspired the night before last.. glad I jotted a few notes down, because now.. I'm not.
I'll get back to this later.
Saturday, April 17, 2010
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Giving Up
Looks like no wall-breaking for me. No more attempts at love letters, either.
I haven't been so physically ill in a looooooong time. I feel like I'm dying.
I haven't been so physically ill in a looooooong time. I feel like I'm dying.
Monday, March 29, 2010
Please Understand Me
Sometimes I get so frustrated because people don't understand me. Sometimes I feel like it's because they don't want to put the effort into it, they don't care to, or I'm just WAY TOO WEIRD for anyone to ever "get" me.
Then I talk to my dear friend. A friend I sometimes think, "Wow, we are sooo alike in some ways". Then other days, I'm totally flummoxed and have no idea what's going on. Today is one of those days that I realize we're very similar. I realize that while I'm thinking said friend is a pain in the butt because of certain qualities, I, too, do the same things. I am frustrated with myself. I need to be more understanding and maybe I shouldn't do those same things to such an extent. I also feel completely helpless because - even though I know what I'd want someone to do for me in the same situation, it's not what I want to do. BUT - I will do my best.
So here I am, blogging about it. LOL! Instead of pestering and being present and wanting to soothe things. Kind of goes against the grain.
I really don't like people. I try and try to like them, but I have such a hard time with it. I don't like being social. I don't like putting myself out there. I don't like feeling used and taken for granted. I don't like being in a position to be hurt. I hate getting close to people. On the one hand, you don't get hurt so much if you don't let them in. On the other hand, how is that LIVING? How can you have the great moments, too? And it's the painful stuff that makes the great stuff that much more special. Right?
I don't know anymore. I have written at least four 'love letters' in so many weeks and have torn them all up, so to speak. I am on edge. I am on an edge. I don't know which way I'm going to fall. Will I give up entirely on the human race or will I throw myself into breaking down my walls?
Maybe I've been studying too much, thinking too much, and my brain is going to explode.
Yeah. That's it.
Then I talk to my dear friend. A friend I sometimes think, "Wow, we are sooo alike in some ways". Then other days, I'm totally flummoxed and have no idea what's going on. Today is one of those days that I realize we're very similar. I realize that while I'm thinking said friend is a pain in the butt because of certain qualities, I, too, do the same things. I am frustrated with myself. I need to be more understanding and maybe I shouldn't do those same things to such an extent. I also feel completely helpless because - even though I know what I'd want someone to do for me in the same situation, it's not what I want to do. BUT - I will do my best.
So here I am, blogging about it. LOL! Instead of pestering and being present and wanting to soothe things. Kind of goes against the grain.
I really don't like people. I try and try to like them, but I have such a hard time with it. I don't like being social. I don't like putting myself out there. I don't like feeling used and taken for granted. I don't like being in a position to be hurt. I hate getting close to people. On the one hand, you don't get hurt so much if you don't let them in. On the other hand, how is that LIVING? How can you have the great moments, too? And it's the painful stuff that makes the great stuff that much more special. Right?
I don't know anymore. I have written at least four 'love letters' in so many weeks and have torn them all up, so to speak. I am on edge. I am on an edge. I don't know which way I'm going to fall. Will I give up entirely on the human race or will I throw myself into breaking down my walls?
Maybe I've been studying too much, thinking too much, and my brain is going to explode.
Yeah. That's it.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Support Systems
I've been struggling to do this thing that I know I've been needing to do for.. hmm.. about 8 years. I've made more progress on it than I have in just as much time, though. Haha. Go me?
No, not really. I am having to relearn things that I have always struggled with and it sucks. It sucks even more when I feel like I have no support. I can't really say that, though, I found support in the least likely (for me) quarter. It was very strange. The one person I wanted support from hasn't really been there for me, so I have been trying to find it in other places. Home is where I found it. As I sat on the kitchen floor, almost crying, I found it.
I have made a ton of progress, but still feel like I'm waaaay out of my league. I feel frustrated, anxious, stressed, and alone. It is SO hard to make myself do these things, do the things that I KNOW I should do.
My brothers have had interesting reactions to it. It's very strange. I guess I will just keep trucking along. I wish, oh how I wish, that I had the one person I want... by my side.
I'm a selfish person.
This one is doing her best to help, though:
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Sweet, huh? Yay for blurry phone camera pics...
No, not really. I am having to relearn things that I have always struggled with and it sucks. It sucks even more when I feel like I have no support. I can't really say that, though, I found support in the least likely (for me) quarter. It was very strange. The one person I wanted support from hasn't really been there for me, so I have been trying to find it in other places. Home is where I found it. As I sat on the kitchen floor, almost crying, I found it.
I have made a ton of progress, but still feel like I'm waaaay out of my league. I feel frustrated, anxious, stressed, and alone. It is SO hard to make myself do these things, do the things that I KNOW I should do.
My brothers have had interesting reactions to it. It's very strange. I guess I will just keep trucking along. I wish, oh how I wish, that I had the one person I want... by my side.
I'm a selfish person.
This one is doing her best to help, though:
.jpg)
Sweet, huh? Yay for blurry phone camera pics...
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Love Letters
I think everyone should get at least one love letter in their lifetime. I have a hard time expressing myself, so I think I suck at writing letters, let alone LOVE letters, but it is definitely something I should do. Even if I don't have a particular person in mind. I need to focus on the good, the positive. Loving someone or some thing helps me to remind myself of the good, the positive. Heh. I should write a love letter to my cat, or my computer. Or Books! :)
I know. I'm weird. This is waaaay off in left field, but I'm having one of those kind of nights.
I have received love letters. I think they are wonderful. Nothing makes someone feel happier than when they feel loved. Actively loved. One of my favorite kind of love letters, though I'm sure they are never meant to be such, is from one guy to another guy about their 'love'. How freaking, amazingly sweet is that? Especially when they don't think/know that there is any way their 'love' will see it, so they seem to be more honest, less "I'm going to flatter you until you swoon" types. Silly? Yes.
I don't even know why I'm thinking about this. Such a random subject. Maybe I need to go see Dear John. I love me some cheese.
I am definitely going to go write a love letter, though. Even if it's never given to anyone or seen by anyone, I want to write it. :)
You should, too!
I know. I'm weird. This is waaaay off in left field, but I'm having one of those kind of nights.
I have received love letters. I think they are wonderful. Nothing makes someone feel happier than when they feel loved. Actively loved. One of my favorite kind of love letters, though I'm sure they are never meant to be such, is from one guy to another guy about their 'love'. How freaking, amazingly sweet is that? Especially when they don't think/know that there is any way their 'love' will see it, so they seem to be more honest, less "I'm going to flatter you until you swoon" types. Silly? Yes.
I don't even know why I'm thinking about this. Such a random subject. Maybe I need to go see Dear John. I love me some cheese.
I am definitely going to go write a love letter, though. Even if it's never given to anyone or seen by anyone, I want to write it. :)
You should, too!
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Ramblings
Life and I have not been getting along for a while now. I guess that's part of why I stopped posting. I was also feeling like the only people reading my blog were Staci and Heather and I had to have been boring them to tears. I realize now that my blog isn't about that and it doesn't matter who reads it. My blog is for me. I need to find myself again. I lost Kara somewhere.
I'm sitting here on Resulka's bed with a Kairi snuggled up against my lap. She never used to be such a snuggler. She wants more and more to be near me, touching me, but she gets frustrated that I can't stay in one position that long and every little shift upsets her. Then I wonder why I worry about that, she'll get over it and settle down again after a while, right? but I do.
I was looking over my blog and thinking how superficial it all was. For the most part, I was just posting the 'happenings'. I wasn't sharing my thoughts or feelings so much. Just the surface 'junk'. I haven't been creative in my words or in expressing myself. I have censored what I post because of who I thought might be reading. I don't want to bother with that anymore. I guess I got tired of it.
Depression. Over my camera... Resulka had gotten me a GLORIOUS camera for Christmas the year before last. It was the best thing I'd ever had. It was my favorite, my prized possession. I took lots and lots of pictures all the time. I am now amazed that I didn't want to post about it, brag about it, talk about it, show off these intense pictures, etc. Now, it's kind of late in the game for that. I probably won't share them, being that I'm depressed about the whole thing. I was visiting friends I'd never visited before and was really frazzled from driving a long way, on roads I didn't really know, meeting people I didn't really know and had my hands full walking up to their apartment. I was going to go back to the car to get my camera off the front seat. I was dumb, didn't, forgot, I don't know. I was so overwhelmed. I fell asleep there and when I was leaving the next morning, woe to me. I had an awesome surprise. My car had been broken into and my camera stolen, in its case with two lenses, charging things, massive memory card, cleaner supplies, filter, etc. etc. The only thing that was not stolen from the huge kit I had been gifted with was the USB cable, which had been left with the computer, at home. My iPhone cable that I use to play my iPod music on my car stereo was also stolen - not as big of a deal, but still. I have never felt so violated in my life.
That happened in October. I have no back-up camera. I have had endless moments where I would think 'omigosh I need a picture of this' and then remember.. and get insanely depressed. So I have no pictures to post. But I do have lots and lots of thoughts and feelings racing around inside of me.
I have remembered what it's like to be in love. I have had my hopes and dreams dashed apart. I have felt comfort in being surrounded by loved ones. I have felt completely and utterly alone. I have lost a soul dear to my heart. I have been crazed. I have been stupid. I have been destructive. I have hated.
Last week I was able to spend some time with my mom, sister, and sister's family at Disneyland. I never thought anything like that could even be possible, but somehow it was. I got to snuggle my baby nephew a lot. He fell asleep in my arms and I was soooo content to just sit there and watch his little face and touch his tiny fingers. The next two youngsters loved to have Aunt Kara around, too, and wanted to be cuddled and played with and to sit near. I treasure those moments. I hardly noticed the insane crowds that normally would have put me on edge, being so caught up in their wonder and delight.
Sitting in this bedroom is strange and comforting at the same time. There are familiar things, but mostly it is completely different. All of the furniture is new. It doesn't smell the same. I don't feel like I belong here anymore. I don't feel welcome. There is pain where I look. California is supposed to be my happy sunshiny place, but, whether it's the changes and the long time away or the fact that the sun doesn't want to come out much, I'm feeling pretty sad and confused. I hurt. I cry. I cry a lot. I can't remember the last time I cried so much or so openly. I feel like I have changed in many, many ways. I am not so sure I like the ways I have changed. I did what I thought was wanted of me and it appears to have been a grave mistake.
Resulka has been in 'limbo'. Despite my urges to continue doing things as he normally would without me here, he doesn't. I can almost feel the resentment radiating from him at times, even though it is his choice. He hasn't been writing. He hasn't been going for runs, he hasn't been doing his 'normal' things. I have tried to stay out of his way and he grumps at me for not wanting to do things with him. I have tried asking him to do things with me, he grumps at me for taking up his time. I don't know what else to do. He mentions the fact that he'll just go back to 'normal' after I'm gone. That really bothers me.
Uprooted. No place to call home. Unwanted. Unloved. No place to crawl to when down. No place that is 'mine'. No one to turn to. I'm a bad friend. I'm a bad daughter. I'm a bad wife. I'm a bad parent (am I bad because I don't want to be a parent or just bad because I suck at it?). I'm a bad person. I don't blame anyone for not wanting me. Doesn't mean it hurts any less. Why can't I give up?
At least Kairi wants me.
I'm sitting here on Resulka's bed with a Kairi snuggled up against my lap. She never used to be such a snuggler. She wants more and more to be near me, touching me, but she gets frustrated that I can't stay in one position that long and every little shift upsets her. Then I wonder why I worry about that, she'll get over it and settle down again after a while, right? but I do.
I was looking over my blog and thinking how superficial it all was. For the most part, I was just posting the 'happenings'. I wasn't sharing my thoughts or feelings so much. Just the surface 'junk'. I haven't been creative in my words or in expressing myself. I have censored what I post because of who I thought might be reading. I don't want to bother with that anymore. I guess I got tired of it.
Depression. Over my camera... Resulka had gotten me a GLORIOUS camera for Christmas the year before last. It was the best thing I'd ever had. It was my favorite, my prized possession. I took lots and lots of pictures all the time. I am now amazed that I didn't want to post about it, brag about it, talk about it, show off these intense pictures, etc. Now, it's kind of late in the game for that. I probably won't share them, being that I'm depressed about the whole thing. I was visiting friends I'd never visited before and was really frazzled from driving a long way, on roads I didn't really know, meeting people I didn't really know and had my hands full walking up to their apartment. I was going to go back to the car to get my camera off the front seat. I was dumb, didn't, forgot, I don't know. I was so overwhelmed. I fell asleep there and when I was leaving the next morning, woe to me. I had an awesome surprise. My car had been broken into and my camera stolen, in its case with two lenses, charging things, massive memory card, cleaner supplies, filter, etc. etc. The only thing that was not stolen from the huge kit I had been gifted with was the USB cable, which had been left with the computer, at home. My iPhone cable that I use to play my iPod music on my car stereo was also stolen - not as big of a deal, but still. I have never felt so violated in my life.
That happened in October. I have no back-up camera. I have had endless moments where I would think 'omigosh I need a picture of this' and then remember.. and get insanely depressed. So I have no pictures to post. But I do have lots and lots of thoughts and feelings racing around inside of me.
I have remembered what it's like to be in love. I have had my hopes and dreams dashed apart. I have felt comfort in being surrounded by loved ones. I have felt completely and utterly alone. I have lost a soul dear to my heart. I have been crazed. I have been stupid. I have been destructive. I have hated.
Last week I was able to spend some time with my mom, sister, and sister's family at Disneyland. I never thought anything like that could even be possible, but somehow it was. I got to snuggle my baby nephew a lot. He fell asleep in my arms and I was soooo content to just sit there and watch his little face and touch his tiny fingers. The next two youngsters loved to have Aunt Kara around, too, and wanted to be cuddled and played with and to sit near. I treasure those moments. I hardly noticed the insane crowds that normally would have put me on edge, being so caught up in their wonder and delight.
Sitting in this bedroom is strange and comforting at the same time. There are familiar things, but mostly it is completely different. All of the furniture is new. It doesn't smell the same. I don't feel like I belong here anymore. I don't feel welcome. There is pain where I look. California is supposed to be my happy sunshiny place, but, whether it's the changes and the long time away or the fact that the sun doesn't want to come out much, I'm feeling pretty sad and confused. I hurt. I cry. I cry a lot. I can't remember the last time I cried so much or so openly. I feel like I have changed in many, many ways. I am not so sure I like the ways I have changed. I did what I thought was wanted of me and it appears to have been a grave mistake.
Resulka has been in 'limbo'. Despite my urges to continue doing things as he normally would without me here, he doesn't. I can almost feel the resentment radiating from him at times, even though it is his choice. He hasn't been writing. He hasn't been going for runs, he hasn't been doing his 'normal' things. I have tried to stay out of his way and he grumps at me for not wanting to do things with him. I have tried asking him to do things with me, he grumps at me for taking up his time. I don't know what else to do. He mentions the fact that he'll just go back to 'normal' after I'm gone. That really bothers me.
Uprooted. No place to call home. Unwanted. Unloved. No place to crawl to when down. No place that is 'mine'. No one to turn to. I'm a bad friend. I'm a bad daughter. I'm a bad wife. I'm a bad parent (am I bad because I don't want to be a parent or just bad because I suck at it?). I'm a bad person. I don't blame anyone for not wanting me. Doesn't mean it hurts any less. Why can't I give up?
At least Kairi wants me.
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